Tag Archives: steve martin

This Is… [holiday] Comedy

Last day of work in 2008.  Can’t tell you how nice it is that this is “Friday”– because yesterday was about the longest Monday in the history of the Gregorian calendar.  Tonight, despite the weather, Michelle and I are off to Madison to meet up with D-Slo and Andrea1.

But yes, so: on the eve of Christmas Eve, I like to have our old friend Steve remind us once again that, while many holiday wishes will remain mere wishes, there’s no harm in dreaming.  Have a happy (and funny) and safe holiday…

Steve Martin – Five Wishes for Christmas2

If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be that all the children to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. If I had two wishes I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account. You know, if I had three wishes I could make this holiday season, the first, of course, would be for all the children of the world to get together and sing, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month to me, and the third would be for encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.

And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids definitely, the second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought about slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina-somebody, I can’t think of her name. Of course my lovely wife can come too and she’s behind me one hundred percent here, I guarantee it.

Wait a minute, maybe the sex thing should be the first wish, so if I made that the first wish, because it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got, y’know? No, no, the kids, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. But wait a minute, who am I kidding? They’re not going to be able to get all those kids together. I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it’s worth! So — we reorganize! Here we go. First, the sex thing. We go with that. Second, the money. No, we got with the power second, then the money. And then the kids. Oh wait, oh jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell! That would be my fourth wish. And, of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. Thank you everybody and Merry Christmas.

  1. They got engaged, in case you missed it. []
  2. transcript at whysanity.net []

Quick Glimpse

I caught a glimpse of the future this afternoon on my walk home.

I was listening to a little-known record that I really enjoy, and I realized that in 20 years or so, when my kids are starting high school, they’ll go through a phase where they get really curious about Mom & Dad’s CD collection(s). They’ll run across a little album called Shame-Based Man, and they’ll laugh. Hard. A lot.

Kind of like I did with Let’s Get Small.

This… is… Comedy.

Ok, so I thought I’d pop in to say that the first paper and subsequent presentation was just swell.  I don’t have to turn that mother in until I leave on Monday, so still ample time to revise and whatnot.  The second paper has actually note begun to be written yet, but a list of “things I’m going to say” has been formed and is currently being ruminated upon.  Its rough-drafting will occur this afternoon/evening/tomorrow, with its less-substantial-than-the-other-paper-just-by-its-nature revisions to occur in the ensuing three days.

So I was “browsing” a bit this morning, and I happened to visit a very nice site that I used to visit more often, but now I only stop by with the randomness of a pair of axe-wielding breasts in a comic strip.  I was looking for the copy from a sketch Steve Martin did on Saturday Night Live once, and foolish me, I shoulda known Colin would have it.  Mucho gracias.

If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be that all the children to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. If I had two wishes I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account. You know, if I had three wishes I could make this holiday season, the first, of course, would be for all the children of the world to get together and sing, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month to me, and the third would be for encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe. And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids definitely, the second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought out slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina-somebody, I can’t think of her name. Of course my lovely wife can come too and she’s behind me one hundred percent here, I guarantee it. Wait a minute, maybe the sex thing should be the first wish, so if I made that the first wish, because it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got, y’know? No, no, the kids, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. But wait a minute, who am I kidding? They’re not going to be able to get all those kids together. I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it’s worth! So — we reorganize! Here we go. First, the sex thing. We go with that. Second, the money. No, we got with the power second, then the money. And then the kids. Oh wait, oh jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell! That would be my fourth wish. And, of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. Thank you everybody and Merry Christmas.